Depression And Anxiety Getting Worse :'(

As you know if posted a blog post a few days back about been 'lost and upset' after leaving sixth form and not been able to start a year of college straight after leaving, iv been left alone with my mind for some time and i REALLY don't like it at all, not only do i have to deal with my mental illness (Manic Depression) iv also noticed iv become more and more anxious over the time iv left sixth form, iv noticed it a little while i was there but took no real notice of it till now, where it has become worse along with my depression.

During the times iv been left with my mind, iv REALLY overthinken everything contently and always feeling hopeless and a waste of space at every point of the day too the point it would bring me to tears and id hate myself for it, and even with the anxiety id be too scared to go outside and talk to people let along be around them, i wouldn't be able to make a phone calls even to my own parent while they would be at work as well as when iv actually plucked courage to go out id feel really self contuse and skittish when around everyone.

The times id feel like this is when either id talk to my parents when they said i need to get a job or apply to something, id tell them what i ACTUALLY want to do in life and they would be supportive, or id think i wouldn't be able to get a job anyway. Again this is where the over thinking comes back into play there would be a list as long as my arm about the things id think about and its so scary and upsetting.

I have had my 'Disorder' for over 4 years now and over that time i have become even more heartbroken, depressed and bitter, there would be times where anxiety and depression hit at the same time and id spiral out of control and lock myself in my room and take it out on myself in such horrible ways (Self harm) and with me doing so i have left my arms and thighs in such a bad state. I mean im not proud of what i have done, i bet nobody would but im not ashamed to show other people due to the fact i don't want them do end up like me with horrible scars all over their body's.

With all this going on and me being more heavyhearted and low spirited im actually surprised that i haven't relapsed and hurt myself again but i have a feeling that may change at some point, i don't want it to happen and il try everything in my power to hold the feeling back but i carnt promise anything.

I hope nobody feels like this at the moment if you are and need someone to talk to come and find me Im always here for any of you <3 xxxxx : 

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LOST AND KINDA SAD :(

So today was the day i had to go directly to the college to see if i could apply to the course i wanted to do (Media Production extended diploma level 3) but after a long bus journey and half an hour in the college itself, turns out the course is full which makes no sense since my ex head of sixth form rung up and they said they had loads of places available!!!! PISS TAKE!.

Now i have no idea what to do with myself anymore -.- kinda bummed out, they said i could apply again but on their website then id be put on a waiting list for next year but i dno yet, it really need to talk it over with people -.- UUUUGH! nothing that comes my way can be easy can it?!