Depression And Anxiety Getting Worse :'(

As you know if posted a blog post a few days back about been 'lost and upset' after leaving sixth form and not been able to start a year of college straight after leaving, iv been left alone with my mind for some time and i REALLY don't like it at all, not only do i have to deal with my mental illness (Manic Depression) iv also noticed iv become more and more anxious over the time iv left sixth form, iv noticed it a little while i was there but took no real notice of it till now, where it has become worse along with my depression.

During the times iv been left with my mind, iv REALLY overthinken everything contently and always feeling hopeless and a waste of space at every point of the day too the point it would bring me to tears and id hate myself for it, and even with the anxiety id be too scared to go outside and talk to people let along be around them, i wouldn't be able to make a phone calls even to my own parent while they would be at work as well as when iv actually plucked courage to go out id feel really self contuse and skittish when around everyone.

The times id feel like this is when either id talk to my parents when they said i need to get a job or apply to something, id tell them what i ACTUALLY want to do in life and they would be supportive, or id think i wouldn't be able to get a job anyway. Again this is where the over thinking comes back into play there would be a list as long as my arm about the things id think about and its so scary and upsetting.

I have had my 'Disorder' for over 4 years now and over that time i have become even more heartbroken, depressed and bitter, there would be times where anxiety and depression hit at the same time and id spiral out of control and lock myself in my room and take it out on myself in such horrible ways (Self harm) and with me doing so i have left my arms and thighs in such a bad state. I mean im not proud of what i have done, i bet nobody would but im not ashamed to show other people due to the fact i don't want them do end up like me with horrible scars all over their body's.

With all this going on and me being more heavyhearted and low spirited im actually surprised that i haven't relapsed and hurt myself again but i have a feeling that may change at some point, i don't want it to happen and il try everything in my power to hold the feeling back but i carnt promise anything.

I hope nobody feels like this at the moment if you are and need someone to talk to come and find me Im always here for any of you <3 xxxxx : 

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I Left Sixth Form!!!!

So on Wednesday this week was the day i went back to transition into year 13 don't get me wrong i loved doing my AS levels last year but this year i just thought to myself "why the hell am I coming back to this hell hole" due to the fact i didn't like my sixth form, only to find that when we went into my old form room that my form tutor told me that I have to resit year 12, i don't really know why exactly but i have a feeling its something stupid, at the time i wanted to cry because iv done all that work for nothing and having all my friends go into the year above and leave my on my own with new sixth formers is something i didn't want, but to be honest i haven't enjoyed myself all that much in sixth form because id hate every minuet in school and my anxiety got really bad to the point where id panic in crowed places or if i had to go into a classroom full of people i didn't know and at that time id really start to not like myself and resent the people around me (except my group of friends) so i left. I really fell like i kinda did the right thing in a way but not at the same time, i just wanna focus on getting my head right, focus on my YouTube channel and hopefully find a job -.- Hope io didnt bore you with this story ^-^ xxxx