Depression And Anxiety Getting Worse :'(

As you know if posted a blog post a few days back about been 'lost and upset' after leaving sixth form and not been able to start a year of college straight after leaving, iv been left alone with my mind for some time and i REALLY don't like it at all, not only do i have to deal with my mental illness (Manic Depression) iv also noticed iv become more and more anxious over the time iv left sixth form, iv noticed it a little while i was there but took no real notice of it till now, where it has become worse along with my depression.

During the times iv been left with my mind, iv REALLY overthinken everything contently and always feeling hopeless and a waste of space at every point of the day too the point it would bring me to tears and id hate myself for it, and even with the anxiety id be too scared to go outside and talk to people let along be around them, i wouldn't be able to make a phone calls even to my own parent while they would be at work as well as when iv actually plucked courage to go out id feel really self contuse and skittish when around everyone.

The times id feel like this is when either id talk to my parents when they said i need to get a job or apply to something, id tell them what i ACTUALLY want to do in life and they would be supportive, or id think i wouldn't be able to get a job anyway. Again this is where the over thinking comes back into play there would be a list as long as my arm about the things id think about and its so scary and upsetting.

I have had my 'Disorder' for over 4 years now and over that time i have become even more heartbroken, depressed and bitter, there would be times where anxiety and depression hit at the same time and id spiral out of control and lock myself in my room and take it out on myself in such horrible ways (Self harm) and with me doing so i have left my arms and thighs in such a bad state. I mean im not proud of what i have done, i bet nobody would but im not ashamed to show other people due to the fact i don't want them do end up like me with horrible scars all over their body's.

With all this going on and me being more heavyhearted and low spirited im actually surprised that i haven't relapsed and hurt myself again but i have a feeling that may change at some point, i don't want it to happen and il try everything in my power to hold the feeling back but i carnt promise anything.

I hope nobody feels like this at the moment if you are and need someone to talk to come and find me Im always here for any of you <3 xxxxx : 

Tumblr: http://xxkawaii-sex-godxx.tumblr.com/

GMail: jaywolliter@gmail.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayyyy

Twitter: https://twitter.com/JWolliter

Updated my YouTube thumbnails

So over the past few days iv been feeling really down and gloomy so i thought of a few things that could of distracted me but they didn't work so i was on YouTube early int he morning and thought these thumbnails need a makeover, bare in mind this took me about 5 hours to do all 8.

To show you the damage i did here is a few i loved doing, (i love them all but these are my favorite)

UPDATE ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL: At the moment im having technical difficultys, meaning im having to try and get a new camera so it may take me a little while to get back in the swing of things but i have SO many ideas lined up ready to go!!! :) Hope you stick around for it xxxxx MY CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmGIFHLC2OecRV2vGdTHT2w

LOST AND KINDA SAD :(

So today was the day i had to go directly to the college to see if i could apply to the course i wanted to do (Media Production extended diploma level 3) but after a long bus journey and half an hour in the college itself, turns out the course is full which makes no sense since my ex head of sixth form rung up and they said they had loads of places available!!!! PISS TAKE!.

Now i have no idea what to do with myself anymore -.- kinda bummed out, they said i could apply again but on their website then id be put on a waiting list for next year but i dno yet, it really need to talk it over with people -.- UUUUGH! nothing that comes my way can be easy can it?!

Trying to apply for college!!!! STRESS!!!

So over the past week or two iv been trying to apply for this course my sixth form found for me, with me passing my first year in media they found me a course that will take on people with a AS/A2 level for a year but actually 'applying' for the course has been testing my nerves, there is a massive processes i have to go through but i have no idea what im doing so im having to go back into my old sixth form to go see out careers adviser and go through the application. EFFORT!!!! but the course is something i really want to do (Its a media productions diploma level three) so im having to prepare for a shit long day tomorrow -_- UUUGH! wish me luck.

My Edits Iv Made From Insperation Of Tumblr

Through the years of been on tumblr, iv been inspired by the 'Pastel Goth' scene iv wanted to make my own pictures/edits of that scene whether it be offensive text pictures or edits of existing pictures or even making my own GIF's, to give you a look at what I have made here are some of the pictures/edits ^-^ ENJOY <3 xxxx

(So sorry if they offend you but that's kind of the idea, not all of the pictures i make are offensive :) )

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(MY OWN POEM I WROTE)

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(GIFS I RECOLORED AND WROTE ON FROM DIFFERENT VIDEOS)

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Tumblr Influence On Art

With Tumblr been a world wide known blogging site a lot of people use this site for many reasons, some may use it for fun and pass a bit of time, some use it to get things off their chest, some use it to find inspiration but some use it as a way to promote their art for free, in my opinion i have never promoted my art on tumblr but with it been so popular to do so i might with in the near future, the kind of art styles i look for are within the Japanese manga style but keeping that pastel goth theme to it or even just pastel colors, but its not just the manga style art i look for i look for real life drawings/paintings i like that have a fantasy/mysterious feel to them.

To give you a better look at what i mean hear are some art styles/drawings/painting that stand out to me: -

Tumblr Fashion Influence!!! >:D

So Tumblr has a WIDE verity of fashion styles and themes throughout the whole site but the kind of fashion that sticks out to me the most is probably the style of 'Pastel Goth', this style can be seen in so many different ways and it annoys me when people say "if the style has 'goth' in it isn't it suppose to be black and depressing" NO!!! it dosnt, I really hate when people use labels to describe things that people love or people in general, but pastel goth fashion includes clothing that has pastel colors and tones but this fashion sense can include blacks but not a heavy amount, another thing that the fashion can include is very 'offensive' or 'witty' phrases upon the clothing pieces weather that be accessorizes or tops. To give you a clearer look at what pastel goth fashion looks like:

They are some kind of styles of 'pastel goth' fashion.

Another kind of fashion that Tumblr has got me into is just normal plain black, classy fashion, by classy i mean not breaking the bank of course, so examples im about to show you i might normally wear myself but just to show you the kind of fashion tumblr has got me to love over time:

Follow my tumblr to see more fashion i love and adore: http://xxkawaii-sex-godxx.tumblr.com/

Where I find the clothing i love: Storenvy, Wish and tumblr but odd things from the high street.

Tumblr Influences!! :D

Over the past 3 years or 4 i cant really remember but over them years it has influenced me in so many ways when i was younger for example i was a very quite and shy person and ever since i started high school and found out about tumblr its been the best decision ever in my opinion, it has influenced me in my fashion, attitude towards life, my openness, my opinion in art and basically made me into such a more open minded person, i have made so many amazing followers along the way and don't wish to change that (I have 309) at the minuet and i have bonded with some of them dearly and its been amazing. Tumblr is where i spend most of my time, finding inspiration for drawings i do, or for editing and making my own GIFs.

If you wish to follow me on Tumblr at any point follow me at: http://xxkawaii-sex-godxx.tumblr.com/ I follow back depending on what i want to see upon my dashboard. ^^ Hope to see some of you :D

I'll be doing some other blog posts about my Tumblr influences in depth in time so stay tuned ^_^ <3 xxxx

I Left Sixth Form!!!!

So on Wednesday this week was the day i went back to transition into year 13 don't get me wrong i loved doing my AS levels last year but this year i just thought to myself "why the hell am I coming back to this hell hole" due to the fact i didn't like my sixth form, only to find that when we went into my old form room that my form tutor told me that I have to resit year 12, i don't really know why exactly but i have a feeling its something stupid, at the time i wanted to cry because iv done all that work for nothing and having all my friends go into the year above and leave my on my own with new sixth formers is something i didn't want, but to be honest i haven't enjoyed myself all that much in sixth form because id hate every minuet in school and my anxiety got really bad to the point where id panic in crowed places or if i had to go into a classroom full of people i didn't know and at that time id really start to not like myself and resent the people around me (except my group of friends) so i left. I really fell like i kinda did the right thing in a way but not at the same time, i just wanna focus on getting my head right, focus on my YouTube channel and hopefully find a job -.- Hope io didnt bore you with this story ^-^ xxxx

Starting A New Blog ^-^!!!

So as you can tell by the title, im obviously new to the scene of blogspot :D, iv been on blogspot before, like on other peoples blog for example Zoella's blogspot or Sprinkleofglitter's blogspot and tumblr users blogs but im not even really sure what my theme is going to be. Or what my posts are going to be about, need to have a really good think about this huh? XD I have rough ideas on what to post but i don't know il see how it goes. BTW That's me at the top if you didn't guess ^-^ xxx